A Little Piece of Magic

I don't know where to start, and when I don't know where to start that means I have a lot to say. So I guess the beginning is as good a place as any. When I found out I was pregnant I realized that my mom was coming into town the very next weekend and I just could not wait to tell her. I mean I literally had to avoid all of her calls because I knew that if we started talking I would spill, I was filled to the brim, my cupeth overfloweth...ed. Matt and I went to Target and found this little white and yellow elephant onsie, just seeing how tiny it was and that in a short 7 months I would have a teeny tiny in my arms, it was unfathomable. We were sitting out in the yard and I told my mom I had a belated birthday present for her. The second she opened the wrapping that little onsie flew so high into the sky and the next thing I knew we were both just screaming and hugging and crying. If I could capture that moment, that little white onsie floating against the bright blue sky and my arms wrapped tight around my mom. That moment was magic, just magic. A little piece of magic that I won't quite experience the same ever again.

That tiny little onsie came back to me in the mail today, and I think my mom has psychic powers. I mean I know she has psychic powers. Somehow she knew that I needed that little piece of magic that I felt that day, just a tiny little piece of that day to let me know that everything would be okay.

I'm terrified. And that doesn't take away an ounce of my happiness, or the fact that I know that my greatest calling in life will be to be a mother. But somehow admitting that I'm terrified and stressed and sometimes a bit miserable seems to make people terrified for me.Which I get, but let me just explain.

Matt and I weren't planning this pregnancy. Shocking right. I mean, obviously Heavenly Father knew we weren't going to get our butts in gear and planned it for us. We were thinking sometime around summer of next year, when Matt was done with school and working full time, when I could have good health insurance, when we could have saved up a bit more. When, when, when. And then all of our plans just disappeared and there that big word was. BABY. I was ecstatic, I am ecstatic. But that doesn't change the complete and utter lack of control that I feel, the feeling that whether or not I'm ready this baby will be ready. The fact that big giant scary healthcare bills are coming that we weren't/ still aren't prepared for and they are coming whether we like it or not, the fact that I have zero control over my body which seems to fail me way too much lately.

And I guess I just need to express that, because I think to really feel the happiness you need to let yourself feel vulnerable and scared out of your mind too. I've never felt such a force to give my will to the Lords before, because I know without a doubt that this is the right time and that He knows that I'm ready for this giant responsibility, He knows my fears, He knows my inadequacies and He still knows that I can do this. And that in and of itself is a little bit magical wouldn't you say.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that this whole having a baby thing isn't always roses, but that also doesn't make it any less beautiful.

Oh and Mom, thanks for sending me a little piece of the magic today. If I can give just a little smithereen to my little of what you have given to me, then well I think we'll be just fine.

 

21 Weeks

top: Forever 21         jeans: H&M Maternity         jacket: Nordstrom Rack       shoes: F21  

You guys, I'm over halfway there!! Sweet glory and hallelujah! But don't let the pictures fool you, I have quite the belly going on but this dress is a literal miracle worker (yessss it's a dress and yessss you would be seeing my rumpus if I actually wore it as one) I couldn't say no because it just flowed so nicely over my tummy tum tum. It's hard work finding stuff that works with a growing belly and pretty depressing when it really comes down to it.  I may have died a little inside when I was next to the tweens yelling through the stalls, "I think I need a smaller size" as I was just hoping and praying I could fit into a size large without the seems popping. But such is life when you're growing a human.

Crescent Moons and Chihuahuas

jeans: h&m maternity      t-shirt: c/o Surfdome (buy it here)        scarf: Forever 21     button up: c/o Sheinside     shoes: Forever 21

I had a very strange moment this week. This lady was walking down the street and I was with the Indian. This lady was walking this tiny little tea cup chihuahua, I mean literally though it's kennel is probably a tea cup. And as we walked past I cooed at the cute little pup and went to pet the 'lil guy when she started yelling at me, "This dog is being trained to be a seeing eye dog!!!! You can't touch him!!!!" I immediately apologized and went on my way....am I gullible...or was she just crazy? I mean really though, I've never heard of tea cup chihuahua seeing eye dogs...'twas a strange day.

Saturday Brunch: German Apple Pancakes

 There's this amazing breakfast place in Denver called The Pancake House that serves one amazing German Apple Pancake and for years I just thought, this is it, I'll never attempt to make this in my life, it just doesn't get better than this. But guys, after a little experimenting with this recipe I think I've come up with a close second. Behold, the German Apple Pancake that will change your Saturday brunch FOREVER.

Ingredients:

4 eggs

1/2 cup of flour

1/2 tsp of baking powder

1 tablespoon of sugar

1/2 tsp of salt

1 cup of milk

1 tsp of vanilla

2 tablespoons of butter

1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

1/4 cup unsalted butter

1/2 cup white sugar divided

1/2 tsp cinnamon

1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

1 large apple very thinly sliced

1. In a large bowl, blend eggs, flour, baking powder, sugar and salt. Gradually mix in milk, stirring constantly. Add vanilla, melted butter and 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg. Let batter stand for 30 minutes or overnight.
2. Preheat oven to 425 degrees F (220 degrees C).
3. On the stove top, melt butter in a 10 inch skillet, brushing butter up on the sides of the pan. In a small bowl, combine 1/4 cup sugar, cinnamon and 1/2 teaspoon nutmeg. Sprinkle mixture over the butter and saute in the pan. Add apple slices to the skillet and stir. Sprinkle remaining sugar over apples. Place skillet over medium-high heat until the mixture bubbles, then using a pie tin, pour the apple mixture into the pie tin and gently pour the batter mixture over the apples.
4. Bake in preheated oven for 15 minutes. Reduce heat to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C) and bake for 10 minutes. Slide pancake onto serving platter and cut into wedges.

Of Tossing Your Cookies and Such

jacket: c/o Sheinside (buy it here)     hat: h&m      top: h&m maternity      leggings: Jolt     rain boots: Itasca

There is a cruel harsh fact of life, and that is, that when you are looking your very worst you will see EVERYONE that you know if you step into the outside world. Case in point, a few months back I was pretty much bed ridden with nausea. I was constantly either losing everything I ate or just dry heaving like a fool thinking that I was going to lose everything I ate. It just really was not a good idea to be in the outside world then. But alas my dad was in town and I wanted to spend time with my family so out into the world I went, and I even got ready, and like curled my hair and stuff. It was a miracle!!! The fam decided to go out to eat and I was like, I'm out, I'm looking cute, I can totally eat without tossing my cookies!!! And so we ate our hearts out at the most delicious barbecue place in town. Well people, I tell you what, I didn't even make it out the front doors. I just sprinted to the bathroom and projectile style lost my goods. I tell you what though, when you have to go lose said goods the last thing you worry about is hmmm did I lock the door behind me?? Well I'll answer the question for you, no, indeed I had not locked the door to the single bathroom in the tiny hole in the wall place that opens straight up to everyone sitting and eating their food. The next thing I know I'm hurling uncontrollably and a guy is just standing there with the door open saying oh my gosh I'm so sorry I didn't know anyone was in here, the door wasn't locked!! And so I stopped to discuss with him why I hadn't locked it....NOT!! I just kept hurling my guts out until he closed the stupid door.

So yes it was not my best moment, but at least the guy didn't know me right?! I went out to the car where the whole family was waiting and they wanted to stop at the mall to see if they could find some doo-hickey-ma-thingy that they'd been looking for and I thought maybe the walking would help...because I'm an idiot! And so in the mall we wandered, and it was about three steps in that mall when I knew I needed to puke immediately. And basically I just started sprinting, found myself a bathroom and, you know the rest, wash rinse and repeat or so it goes. At this time I must describe to you the state of what I looked like, it's necessary, really. My makeup had completely melted off of my face, literally my mascara and eyeliner were just sliding down my cheeks and all I could find was an itchy bathroom paper towel to try and clean up the mess, which of course did nothing but smear that black crap around and irritate my face. My bangs and hair were slicked wet to my forhead and side of my face because, what I sweat when I puke okay!! I mean to paint a picture here, my hair looked unto an 80 year old man comb over. I had little dibbles of lunch on my shirt, once again tried to wipe that away unsuccessfully with scratchy bathroom paper towel, and my skin was a pale green. It just was not my day. And I thought to myself, you know what, I feel like crap, and today I'm just not going to fight it. I'm going to look like crap if I feel like it dangit!!! And so I stumbled out of that bathroom where my dad was waiting for me and we just tried to get to the car as quick as possible.

And that's when I heard, "Do you by chance have a blog called Wearing It On My Sleeves??" over my shoulder. It took every fiber of my being to turn around and manage a smile. I mean usually I am ecstatic when I get to meet all of you awesome people that read my blog. But again, 80 year old man comb over, black crap on face and leftover lunch on shirt...yeah. This girl that I met was ADORABLE, STINKING ADORABLE!! If you're reading this, YOU ARE STINKING ADORABLE. And I looked like the day had just swallowed me up, chewed on me for about an hour and then spit me out REAL GOOD. We didn't talk for long, but she was the sweetest and really cheered me up when I felt absolutely crumby. And so we departed and I went on to find another bathroom....

And that's when I realized the universe has just the strangest sense of humor. Also, that was the last day I even tried to pretend being a normal human being when I had morning sickness. The end.

A Word To The Wise

dress: Forever 21            jacket: Sheinside         shoes: Forever 21      purse: Zara

I realized the other day that there are things that you just can't say when you're pregnant. For example,  my coworker was heading out for the night and was going to meet up with some friends and I said Don't do anything that I wouldn't do. And then I realized I was knocked up....