The Bachelorette Recap Week 5: In Which Men Become Women

Emily and.....The Beast!

1. Emily’s face looks exactly the same all the time, and I just can’t stand by and not say anything about the definite botox that’s going on up in those cheeks. The silence is killing me people, someone must speak up! Her, “I’m so happy to be here.” line (used oh 30 times throughout the episode) sounded exactly like the clear eyes guy. Only Emily, my eyes are not clear right now, they are tearing up with fury.

2. What's with all of the delicious meals being made and not eaten on every.single.date. Will anyone ever eat on the bachelorette?? Will we all be forced to look longingly after each and every truffle dessert and filet mignon and then see couple after couple walk away with both meals untouched. You guys, for every meal that is wasted, another 20 people become obese in America …yeah I’m sure there’s some kind of stat on that. Look it up.

3. Sean and his “speakers corner” moment made not only him turn beet red…but it made me want to throw beets at him and then pop two beets in his nostrils and force him to take an embarrassing picture. He has given that exact.same.speech. to Emily three times now. His whole, “I’ve never felt love, but I have seen my parents feel love.” Creepy onlooker? Sean, my man. This is not giving Emily more confidence, it’s just reassuring her over and over again that you have no real life experience. Now please stop and go write a new speech.

4. Emily called Sean his “Prisoner of love”…and then I realized that I am a prisoner of this show. And no matter how cheesy this whole thing gets I will still be here, forced to be frienemies with The Bachelorette.

5. On the acting date Kalon’s completely condescending attitude was once again overlooked. Here’s the dirty deets, Emily walks up to Kalon and says,”What’s up?” and then Kalon descends from a cloud to speak to the lowly commoners and says, “Unfortunately nothing.” And then Kalon turns to Emily and says, “Run along now.” Woah Kalon, buddy. I know your luscious lips cause even the smartest of us to mistake you for a woman but you know you AREN’T REALLY the Bachelorette right?? Mo one's going to see you playing games and go after you. You are competing for her love here. You know that right??? 

6. The stereotypical Brit was seen and not enjoyed at the theatre performance. Terrible teeth and moles, can I get a David and Victoria Beckham up in this audience?

7. You guys. For the performance Arie was dressed exactly, EXACTLY like Bell. Weird ponytail mullet and all.

8. Helloooo overreaction. Did Kalon deserve to get his butt kicked out of there? Hells yeah. But let me just throw this out there, in any other real world Emily would be labeled as the crazy girlfriend for freaking out over the guys not “protecting” her. Emily, you southern bell you, you clearly had it handled, you’re enough mama bear for all of us. And chelloooo, the guys were gossiping like school girls about it all night and just thought they’d get sent home (tread lightly!) if they said something bad about each other. Emily, don’t you see, you have successfully instilled the fear of God in these men. Bravo. Bravo.

9. When Jef with one F and Emily kiss it just makes me feel all nasty inside. He looks like he’s kissing his aunt. Baby face Jeff may be a smooth talker but I don’t see any cheek bones or jaw muscles growing underneath all that fleshy baby bottom skin any time soon.

10. How many men are going to ask Emily for a kiss? Since when did the Bachelor start recruiting third grade wusses to be on the show. We need real men!

11. Jeff is better at pillow talk then most girls. I mean he is DEEP, he knows what the ladies want to hear. He DEFINITELY dresses better than most women. I just couldn’t handle a man like that outshining me all the time, the ladies just GOT to be the prettiest in the relationship you know. I need a lazy man that’s currently trying to grow a mustache because he thinks it’s “funny”….I need Matt is what I’m trying to say here.

12. ALEJANDRO ALE ALE-JANDRO- I know that you are young, and I know that you may love Emily. But she just can’t be with you anymore, Alejandro, because you’re a shroom farmer!!!