Week Three Recap With Emily Mayeatyoualive

1.And que opening shot of one 26 year old (Emily)  getting served breakfast in bed straight from her mommy dearest who has the voice of Clint Eastwood and the orange skin of Snookie. Congratulations Emily, this is what you have to look forward to in twenty years! Also, hummus and veggies for breakfast Emily? I get the shakes thinking of all the healthy stuff you must eat. I was slightly hoping you’d show you were actually a relatable human being by eating some good ‘ol greasy bacon and eggs but there you had to go being all boring again.

2. I about laughed my shoes off when Emily and Chris were climbing up the wall, like old grannys might I add (only they could make scaling a building seem boring) and Emily decided to do the typical get half way up the wall and THEN freak out. It went something like this, “ Poopy poopy oh I’ve climbed halfway up the wall but I’m choosing to be scared now! Blah blah I don’t think I can do this!” And then Chris turns to Emily and says, “I’ll be there in a second.” And then they both awkwardly realize that Chris clearly cannot move to help her at all because duh they are on parallel ropes and harnesses. So they just stare awkwardly, Chris pretends to reach out to her, and then they just act like he never said anything and just keep climbing. Awkward.

3. Chris managed to get even lamer when him and Emily go to a concert and he awkwardly leans over and says, “Can I kiss you at the end of this song?” Wow Chris wow. Not only did you ask to kiss her (LAME) but you also had to ask three minutes in advance, and then while waiting for the three minutes to be up mouth the lyrics to the cheesiest love song ever into Emily’s ear. And that is how the Grinch’s heart shrunk three sizes in one day.

4. I love how Emily’s “friends” were a perfectly politically correct mixture of people. You’ve got the typical soccer mom, a little bit saggy everywhere and hitting on any single man she can find. The skinny vegetarian. The bland girl that I can’t remember for the life of me what the heck she even looked like and of course got to pull the racial card, let’s throw in an Indian woman that says absolutely NOTHING the entire time.

5. I got ridunkulously creeped out by the soccer mom. It seemed like she was living out this 50 shades of Grey fantasy the entire time. “So can you take off your shirt?” “Can I sit on you while you do pushups?” “Will you dance for me?”. Yes ladies. Those all came out of her horndog mouth and then I considered spraying Windex in my eyes.

6. I got exhausted watching the guys trying to look like they ACTUALLY enjoyed playing with the kids. I do have to hand it to Jef with one f though. He legitimately enjoyed himself during the playtime and at one point literally transformed into a child before my eyes. When they showed him coming down the slide with pure joy on his face I was like, “Wait, why is there a 12 year old kid in this group of 6 year olds?…..oh wait it’s just baby face Jef……and he’s playing by himself on the playground.”

7. Ryan has now shaved his beard into points on he is now a perfect representation of what the devil’s stubble would look like. Oh and also, he wants everyone to know that he will love Emily if she’s fat…he just won’t love ON her as much. Oh thanks for clearing that up Ryan, we were afraid you were a douche before that, but you’ve really put all of womankind at ease.

8. Apparently it was the night for What would a douche say? because Richy Rich showed his true colors tonight with his whole, “ I love the sound of your voice but I really wish you’d let me finish my sentence.” Well Richy Rich, we love it when you make yourself look like a moron but we really wish you’d stop wearing so much chapstick.

9.Why are all of Emily’s clothes so booby?

10. It’s official, on Emily’s date with Arie I realized who “the one” really is for her. Dolly Parton. Why didn’t I see it? Emily’s fake teeth would be a perfect match for Dolly’s botox!

11. Was Emily wearing friggin’ Uggs with her gold sequined dress?

12. Aye de mi! Where do I even start with the latin cousin lover. 1. He’s going to hate himself in the morning when he wikipedias the word compromise 2. He dated his cousin? 3. He thinks about her sometimes? 4. He  can't even keep a puppy alive? 5.Somehow made himself look even MORE like the Geico cave man the Ben did. Get out. Just get out.

13. Jersey boy and his 14 year old mean girl face are finally outta here! Hallelujah, I can endure this season! Maybe Jersey boy can go find Emily’s soccer mom friend and “dance for her”. We wish you well Jersey boy, and may all your Pauly D dreams come true.