The Bachelorette: Week 7 Recap

1. It’s confirmed, Emily is indeed one of those obsessive crazy face girlfriends. “ What??? OMG Aerie you had a date with a girl 10 years ago and you didn’t tell me about it??? Like what else is he hiding? Maybe he speaks to other woman throughout the day and doesn’t tell me what he said….maybe he has even looked at another woman before!!!” THE HORROR!!! Emily, you’re obsessive, and Aerie, due to poor camera angles I was forced to stare at the two zits on your jawline for your entire date. Both of you should be ashamed, for different reasons of course, but ashamed nonetheless.

2. Poor Arie was so clueless about the whole dating the producer ten friggin’ years ago thing. Let me recap for you, Emily begins her interrogation “I just think it’s so important to be open.” Aerie of course agrees, because he knows what’s good for him “Yeah me too. I think it's good to be...too open.”  Emily starts to show that she knows something he’s not saying “Like lay all your cards out on the table, you know” Aerie’s thinking, what the heck is she talking about, OH I KNOW! And then Aerie confesses the dumbest thing ever “I have something I should tell you….I got the name of a girl tattooed on me once…but I covered it up.” Aerie this would also be a good time to tell Emily if you’ve a) ever wet the bed b)shop lifted a piece of candy when you were seven or c)wore a woman’s pantsuit Michael Scott style.

3. The Chris Harrison’s summation was classic, like guys, there are cameras around 24/7 and you honestly couldn’t get a shot of what would have been perhaps the most interesting part of the show. Instead we had to watch Chris babble about the clip we should be watching. LAME!!

4. My  favorite quote of the night? Well let me tell you! "It's weird to rub a dog that represents loyalty when I know that he has a SECRET." No Emily, it’s just weird to say the phrase “ Rub a dog that represents loyalty.”

5. I would now like to pause this Bachelorette rant and share a DIY with you. How to DIY Aerie’s girly ribbon shirt.  1. Have your mommy buy you some ridiculously ugly fourth of July ribbon 2. Glue that crap on, or if you’re Arie handstitch it as you watch your daily dose of Lifetime TV. Tada you’re done, now go prance around Prague in your womanly shirt!

6. Sean running through the streets yelling “Emileeeeeee!!!” made me SOOO uncomfortable!!!! At some point did he think, hey, maybe I should ask this here camera man filming me where Emily is, nahhh I’ll just run around the streets for a five more minutes. And guys, Emily was so planted in the street like, oh don’t mind me I just spend the end of my nights lurking in dark alleys, don’t you??

7. John was dressed as an 80 year old man on their date. And he can't draw a boat to save his life. The end.

8. Can we talk about for a second how Doug tried to kiss Emily AS she was breaking up with him and then after he kisses her she says, “Thank you for that.” Yes Doug, thank you for showing us what teenage angst really looks like. That poor schmuck just did not have a clue, and when he left he wanted us to all know that he thinks his girl radar is broken. What tipped you off Doug?? 

Oh and Doug's ugly cry had one final hooorah!

9. Chris is going to turn into a serial killer at any moment. I mean he was quite literally convulsing at the rose ceremony and I was pretty sure that he was going to go all Jafar on us and morph into a big devil snake and kidnap Emily. “ I KNOW I’m the perfect man for Emily.” Chris, if you had any sense of reality, you would know that 1. Out of all the guys you have the lamest relationship with Emily. 2. You have a serious anger issue that you should get checked out, the cry convulsing/devil snake eyes just has to stop.

Just look at those eyes!!!

10. Jef has some legit puppet skills. Like, fo real, was he just waiting for this, “Man oh man I wish upon a star that Emily will take me on a date involving puppets so that I can show her that I know how to make a puppet moon walk!! Oh I wish upon a star!!” beside all of the awkward puppet confessions, I kind of really like Jef and his grease monkey hair.