The Bachelorette: Week Four Recap

Behold the tail!

1. Doug got the first date with Emily and I checked out after he used oh about three batman references within his first 10 minutes with Emily. You can feed Emily the whole, “With great power comes great responsibility” Junk. But we see right through you. Is anybody else seeing the creepy wife beater with a temper vibe from Doug? Don’t worry Emily, it’s always darkest before the dawn, and Doug he is your midnight. Ooooh look at me using metaphors!

2. Doug and Emily got down to the nitty gritty and started talking flaws. It got deep people, scary deep. Doug confessed that he, “Spends too much time with his son” and “Didn’t wash his girlfriend’s cars enough.” That’s a deal breaker there Doug, we women all need to end up with someone that constantly ignores us and then commands us to go and clean the kitchen. No wonder your single. Emily slipped  a flaw in there too, “Well I don’t work out.” Wow. You two have a lot of baggage, who could accept that?! But Emily don’t think your fooling anyone, that four inch gap between your thighs tells us that you’re not scheduled for another meal for at least a month. Now go look at a picture of a bagel to cure your morning shakes.

3. Doug then confessed that, “Doug hasn’t kissed a girl in a really long time…..Doug hasn’t kissed a girl in…months.” Doug, my man, you will be kissing nothing but your pet cat if you don’t stop talking in the third person.

4. Ryan has lost absolutely ALL of his game and has now started using the sports team one liners that he is probably screaming at little twelve year olds on a daily basis at his “sports facility”. “I’m not here to impress you, I’m here to make an impression upon you.” “If you ain’t cheatin’ you ain’t tryin’.” “We finally started working as a team, not harder but smarter.” Ryan if you hadn’t shaved off your devils beard this episode I would have ACTUALLY declared you the devil. But now your just a tool.

5. John aka “Wolf” no really that’s his name, said and I quote, “I just want to stand out from the pack.” Wolf. Isn’t your whole calling in life to be IN  a pack.  Just sayin’

6. Approximately seventeen people used the, “I really think I’m falling for Emily.” line. Which in real world translation means, “I’ve had one date with Emily and she’s got a hot bod.”

7. The combination of Emily’s giant oversized Veneers and her horse ponytail at the cocktail party had me thinking that she was going to nay and gallop away into the distance at any moment. But alas, she remained human and dressed as an eighty year old cougar, white jumpsuit and all.

8. WHY! OH WHY did not a single person comment on the fact that Jef with one f was dressed as a school boy at the cocktail party. Black blazer, Bermuda shorts and light blue knee length socks. I just am so overflowing with gay jokes that I can’t even go there. I could picture a guy coming up to Emily, “Emily, I’m concerned that one man here in light blue socks to his knees, who shall remained unnamed, is here for the wrong reasons. He’s not here for you Emily, he’s here for the men.” And scene.

9. I fell asleep four times during this episode. No really.