In Which I Rant About The Bachelorette....And It's Only Episode One

 1.Who wanted to puke in the directors shoes by how ridiculously staged this whole episode was. They’re getting worse you guys…..or they think we’re getting dumber. I don’t really care to know which is true. But can we talk about how Emily tucks her daughter in mid-day and little Ricki says, “I’m grateful for love.” You know what I would have done as a kid, why little Sarah what are you grateful for, “I’m grateful for that delicious cookie you let me eat tonight mom!” That’s what I would be grateful for. And did anyone notice that the sun was really bright when she tucked her daughter in, perhaps an afternoon nap? Meh I don’t care enough to find out.


 2. Let’s all have a moment of silence for Chris Harrison and the fact that he was wearing his wedding ring in this episode….and is now divorced. Maybe Chris and Emily can hook up this season?! Please I wouldn’t put it past them.


 3. Holy crap-sicle people. Emily is twenty six and her daughter is like what…12? Okay maybe that’s a high guess…10? 14-16 when pregnant? No judgement here. Just stating a possible maybe fact-ish. And also, Emily looks great but she does not look 26, my official guess was 31.


 4. The guy from Salt Lake Utah…you know the one that looks like he popped out of Grease and returned from his mission last week? Baby face Jef with one F! He was skateboarding in Provo in his video. You guys I walk there all the time…which practically means I’m famous.


 5. Did one of those guys just confess to having 6 kids…within his first sentence to Emily. Yes he did. Also…guaca-MOLE.


 6. Why has no one ever presented me with an Ostriche egg that they will use as a metaphor of how they will guard and protect my heart. 


 7. Yay boom box man! They’re trying to get a bit of Jersey Shore action over here on The Bachelorette! Was Emily paid to keep him on just one more episode so we could see him make an even bigger fool of himself? I give him one more episode. Dance Jersey boy dance!


 8. Mr. Suave, you know the one that would only talk in Spanish to Emily. What’s the dealio with the neck mullet and his TERRIBLE diamond stud. He looks like he’s about to sail out into the open seas and get scurvy. People. Slim pickin’s on this season am I right?!


 9. My gaydar went off at least 10 times throughout this episode.


 10. The fitness model taking off his shirt in the end. I CANNOT. “Why wouldn’t you want me with a body like this?” Who would want you with a personality like that?? Oh sweet heaven give me strength to make it through this season. There was so much crap going on that I didn’t even mention that a full grown man dressed up as an old woman to meet Emily. An old woman…with a cane…and a wig…and a dress…and then he tried to tear it off like he was Superman. But he wasn’t strong enough to tear it. Alas give me strength to bear this.